Kids who do what's expected...

Kai came home with a $3 coupon for the local candy/ice cream shop late last week. This is the bee's knees for a kid with a sweet tooth! We agreed that we'd stop there for a treat on the way home from his friend's house Sunday afternoon.

As long as everything happens that's expected.

We say that a fair amount at our house. Why? Because one of our standard enforceable statements is: Kids who do what's expected get extra things. This is enforceable in that it doesn't tell Kai what to do (which would not be enforceable!) and it is something I can easily implement.

I like to treat Kai with dignity and respect, so of course he knows what's expected: contributions (chores), a decent tone of voice, getting ready for school without being reminded - that sort of thing. Kai was diligent about these things and we were all set for a visit to the Chocolateria on Sunday.

But alas, when we went to pick him up from his friend's house Sunday afternoon, things didn't go as expected. My hubby got into a conversation with his friend's dad - they hadn't seen each other in a couple of months and they were catching up. From the moment they started talking, Kai began interrupting and kept it up every minute or so, demanding that his dad leave. After a few minutes we did leave, feeling embarrassed and upset.

At a time like this, a Love and Logic parent needs to do a quick inventory of him/herself to see if they can deliver a consequence with empathy - or if there is too much anger to do it properly. Anger would distract our kid/s and focus them on us rather than on the behavior and the logical consequence, so we didn't want to go that way. We decided we could take it on.

We began with empathy, so that Kai could understand we were on his side. "This is such a bummer. That was really embarrassing, and we are too drained to take you to the candy store now." Sorrow in our voices.

There was sorrow in Kai's voice too, as he faced the consequence of his behavior. He knew he couldn't talk us out of it -- in our house yes means yes and no means no -- but he did ask if we could try for another time. Of course we said yes, we'd love to do that.

The last few days have been very pleasant. No reminders needed, contributions getting done, a reasonably respectful kid. I jumped in this morning and helped him put the dishes away because time was running short, he's been trying hard and, in our family, we help each other out. I love modeling that for him.

When Kai hopped out of the car this morning, it was with an air of expectation and confidence for our trip to the candy store after school. He'd really tried hard the last few days and, I think, learned a very affordable lesson - about politeness and patience, and their place in the world. Much better to learn it when it's safe and easy at age 13 than with much tougher consequences at age 33!

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