Handing it to the Drill Sergeant Parent

Note: This is the first in a 3-part series on Love and Logic parenting styles.

I was sitting in a group discussion the other day and watching how, when people were expressing times of anger or frustration, they'd squeeze their hands into tight fists.

Seeing the world through the Love and Logic lens, as I do, it made me think of the Drill Sergeant parenting style.

I've been practicing Love and Logic in my home for six years now, and still -- still! -- every now and then my hands tighten into fists and I want to order my kid around with a bullhorn. "GET MOVING!" I want to say. Or: "THAT'S NOT HOW TO DO IT, DUMMY! CAN'T YOU REMEMBER WHAT I TOLD YOU?"

At least now I recognize the signs: Those are the direct orders, put-downs and the "I'm-right-you're-wrong" attitude of the Drill Sergeant wanting to come through.

With the Drill Sergeant parent, it's their way or the highway. They want to run a tight ship, and will use power trips in order to get it. The Drill Sergeant parent thinks that, the more they bark and control (and the tighter they hold their fists), the better their kids will turn out. Their kids will be disciplined! Their kids will know how to behave!

Drill sergeants have a hard time allowing their children to make their own choices, so they take over and do whatever-it-is instead. But here's the catch: If someone makes all your decisions and tells you what to do each moment of every day, how will you behave when you're eventually thrust into the world of decision-making? Will you be a leader or a follower? And if you've never had to think, and never been allowed to make mistakes when you were young and safe and it was affordable, what will your adulthood be like? You'll be a total amateur! Are adult-sized mistakes more or less affordable than kid-sized ones?

On the parent's side, being a Drill Sergeant is exhausting! Trying to keep up that level of control takes every ounce of your strength. If you clench your fist tightly for a long time, you're going to cramp up and hurt. You're setting yourself up for tension, fatigue and no fun...for anyone. Trust me, I know of that which I speak.

Sadly, the message a Drill Sergeant's kid gets is: "I should not make mistakes. My efforts will never be good enough. I can’t think for myself.” Do you know any adults who still suffer from these childhood messages?